The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him 
to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very 
loud voice,  "Free bus to the hotel Astor!"  On the way to the 
station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, "Free bus 
to the hotel Astor,  Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he 
memorized it letter perfect. 

Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at 
all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.
"Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the 
Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I 
mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust 
your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, 
well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next 
to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to 
complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the 
attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I 
can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me 
another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The 
flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll 
go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or 
first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man 
beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding 
passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with 
the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help 
but look at the people around her with a smug and 
self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've 
spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. 
However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess 
continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of 
upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission 
from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt 
that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit 
next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd 
like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a 
standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the 
plane . . .

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, 
a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-
like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." 
lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but 
decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and 
realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. 
Amazed, he calls him in to his office. 

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already 
sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-
d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to 
b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w-
w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it
t-t-t-
t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be 
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he 
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and 
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the 
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and 
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an 
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, 
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. 
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. 
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, 
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and 
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more 
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding 
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, 
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking 
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could 
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this 
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / 
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and 
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with 
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these 
god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. 
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm 
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope 
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem 
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and 
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he 
wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided 
to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of  proposal to her. 

HE WROTE : 

Most worthy of your estimation 
after a long consideration  and 
much mediation. 
I have a strong indication 
to become your relation. 
As to my educational qualification, 
it is no exaggeration or fabrication 
that I have passed my matriculation examination; 
no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. 
What do you say to the solemnisation 
of our marriage celebration 
according to the glorification of modern civilisation 
and with a view to the expansion 
of the population of present generation. 

On your approbation of the application, 
I shall make preparation to improve my situation, 
and if such obligation is worthy of consideration 
it will be our argumentation of the joy and 
exaltation of our joint dissimilation. 

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion, 

To remain victim of your fascination. 

SHE WROTE : 

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, 

Congratulation for your lengthy narration 
of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation 
for a combination which on examination 
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. 

You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, 
what about my graduation after a long botheration, 
so improve situation in education 
and make an application by acquisition 
of post graduation and minimum qualification 
 for the convocation and before taking your photo for 
circulation 
undergo beautification. 

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the 
regulation for the determination of our relation. 

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my 
connection. 

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim 
of any fascination and, 

3. Procreation must not be your recreation. 

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of 
paper conversation. 

I Remain, 

Unaffected by your affection.

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the 
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the 
housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might 
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent 
is paid up for six months!"

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband 
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the 
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that 
morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was 
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the 
boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside 
the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, 
"Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area 
and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, 
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and 
write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady 
told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't 
even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the 
equipment!"

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN 

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. 

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. 

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship. 

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. 

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster
one.

You never have to wait for a dog.  They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.
 

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.
 

  INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1.  Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2.  Memorize your favorite poem.

3.  Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.

4.  When you say, "I love you", mean it.

5.  When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get  married.

7.  Believe in love at first sight.

8.  Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

9.  Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the
only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slow but think quick.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and ask, "Why do you want to know?".

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mom.

16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.

22. Spend some time alone.

24. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

25. Read more books and watch less TV.

26. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

27. Trust in God but lock your car.

28. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can
to create a tranquil harmonious home.

29. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.

30. Read between the lines.

31. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

32. Be gentle with the earth.

33. Pray  -- there's immeasurable power in it.

34. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

35. Mind your own business.

36. Don't trust a LOVER who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss
THEM.

37. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

38. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while
you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

39. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.

40. Learn the rules then break some.

41. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for
each other is greater than your need for each other.

42. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

GoodBadWorse
 

 Good:   Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
 Bad:    You can't find your birth control pills
 Worse:  Your daughter borrowed them

 Good:   Your son studies a lot in his room
 Bad:    You find several porn movies hidden there
 Worse:  You're in them

 Good:   Your husband understands fashion
 Bad:    He's a crossdresser
 Worse:  He looks better than you
 

 Good:   Your son's finally maturing
 Bad:    He's involved with the woman next door
 Worse:  So are you

 Good:   You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
 Bad:    She keeps interrupting.
 Worse:  With corrections

 Good:   Your wife's not talking to you
 Bad:    She wants a divorce
 Worse:  She's a lawyer

 Good:   The postman's early
 Bad:    He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
 Worse:  You gave him nothing for Christmas

 Good:   You came home for a quickie
 Bad:    The postman had the same idea
 Worse:  You have to wait

Top 10 Reasons computers must be male:

>> 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
>> 9. A better model is always just around the corner.
>> 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
>> 7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
>> 6. They'll do whatever you said if you push the right button.
>> 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
>> 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
>> 3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
>> 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
>> 1. Size does matter.

>> Top 10 reasons Compiler must be females:

>> 10. Picky, picky, picky.
>> 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
>> 8. Beauty is only shell deep.
>> 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say nothing.
>> 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
>> 5. Always turning simple statement into big productions.
>> 4. Smalltalk is important.
>> 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.
>> 2. They make you take the garbage out.
>> 1. Miss a period and they go wild.

Let's go into men' world and understand them a bit more!
        Happy reading and enjoy your studies.

The Difference

Women have more imagination than men.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he
wants.

A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
 

The Workplace

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have been
idealizes into powerlessness.
 

Relationships

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend.
Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number
of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.

Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either
provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has"potential"). 

For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving 
this fantasy.So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy,
while a man gives his up.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women
who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core
of intelligence.

Sex

When a man falls in love, he wants to go to bed.
When a woman falls in love, she wants to talk about it.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed.
Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."
“What am I, a microwave?"

Man's greatest advantage in the battle of the sexes is woman's
curiosity.

One puzzling thing about men - they allow their sex instincts too drive
them to where their intelligence never would take them.

Love

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more
subtle instinct :

What they like is to be a man's last romance.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her -
ans then it isn't necessary to understand her.

“A guy knows he's in love when he wants to frow old with a woman.
When he wants to stay with her in the morning ...
When he starts calling sex "making love" and afterward wants a great
big hug.
When he loses interest in the car for a couple of days.
It's that simple, I swear."

To women, love is an occupation.
To men, a preoccupation.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks.
A woman loses hers after four kisses.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she
does.

Men marry because they are tired;
Women because that are curious;
Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to
marry her; a man, of the woman who didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
 

Husbands

Two days are the best of a man's wedded life,
The days when he marries and buries his wife.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to
let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men,
But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.

Women, deceived by men, eant to marry them;
It is a kind of revenge as good as any other.
 

Wives

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been
extracted.

Mahatma Gandhi was what wives wish their husbands were : thin, tan
and moral.

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Husbands are like cars : all are good the first year.

You marry the man of your dreams, but fifteen years later, 
you're married to a reclining chair that burps.

When a man brings his wife flowwers for no reason - there's a reason.

The Battle

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 

On Men

Man is the missing link between the ape and the human being.

Adam is but man's first draft.

If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.

Men are like animals, but they amke great pets.

A man is one who loses his illusions first, his teeth second, and his
follies last.

When you take away what a man is born with, and what his mother
made him, all you would have is an ego.
 

On Women

Can you imagin a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women hae two weapons - cosmetics and tears.

Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for
her first question.

From "Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts"

Heaven is when you have :-

An American Salary
Thai Food
A British Home &
A Bangladeshi Wife

AND

HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE :-

An American Wife
A Thai Home
British Food &
A Bangladeshi Salary

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at 
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a 
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to 
be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced 
his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the 
best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking 
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to 
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man 
was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but 
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by 
the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach 
cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse 
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing 
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, 
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By 
now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so 
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the 
bathroom. 

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he 
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers 
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into 
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard 
her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my 
cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new 
practice. He had a new sign painted and hung in front of his 
office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & 
Hemorrhoids." 

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him 
please to change it. 

The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign, 
"Queers & Rears." 

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they 
demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that 
would not offend the townspeople. 

So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign, "Odds & 
Ends."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a 
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as 
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed 
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and 
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I 
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of 
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
 

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below 
sea level.  He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he 
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a 
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes 
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he 
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck 
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had 
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky: 
- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill 
- She sucks 
- She blows 
- She's bloated 
- She's the focus of a huge legal battle 
- She'll go down in a heartbeat 
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?

One explains MANY things in life . . . 
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, 
over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The 
problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little 
chromosomes to make a male baby instead. 

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells 
necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to 
come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. 
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the 
communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body 
and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal 
brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that 
males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of 
their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male 
and female brain manifests itself in various ways. 

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. 
Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket 
over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think 
about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just 
punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone 
asks them why they just punched their little brother who was 
half asleep and looking the other way. 

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, 
when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really 
begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female 
brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think 
with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their 
bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of 
this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small 
number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full 
mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually 
speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as 
"Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. 
These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small 
number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their 
groins. These men are usually referred to as..... 
"Mr. President."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press  release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:

1.  For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

2.  Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4.  Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5.  Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT."  But then you would have to buy more seats.

6.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five per cent of the roads.

7.  The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8.  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9.  The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them.  Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.

12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to 
have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual 
activity on the days that started with "T":

Tuesday 
Thursday 
Thanksgiving 
Today 
Tomorrow 
Thaturday and Thunday

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights 
bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides 
that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so 
she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! 
How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here 
before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and 
says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms 
around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps 
into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with 
fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you 
picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back 
and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as 
this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years
of practice they rocked to the same pace. 

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud 
and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. 

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he 
finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do 
that fer?"" 

That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. 

He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock 
again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they 
rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. 
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife 
across the shins. 

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she 
asked, "What was that fer?"" 

That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer 
knowin' the difference."

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slippd and cut off one of 
the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided 
to replace the ball with on onion. 

Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.

"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he 
added, "I've had some strange side effects though."

"Whats that?" the doctor asks anxiously

"Well, everytime I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me 
a blow job, she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a 
hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the 
kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric train 
set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, " All of you sons of 
bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the 
last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your 
asses on the train now because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We 
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your 
room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with 
your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen 
when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with 
his trains. 

The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers 
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your 
belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope 
your trip was a pleasant one.

"For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand 
luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, 
please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman 
went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, 
a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: 
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put 
them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my 
arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all 
stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big 
diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck 
you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?" 

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should 
want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but 
adorn herself with the phony jewelry. 

She replied: "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new 
wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels".

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his 
rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, 
he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some 
popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but 
comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was 
only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really 
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a 
bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. 
Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 
worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have 
a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says 
his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 
$17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't 
even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman 
sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and 
got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife 
is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. 
"my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing 
her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there 
and she doesn't even have a penis!"

Ole was sitting at the bar, getting pretty sloshed, and 
mentioned something about Lena being out in the car. After 
quite a while, the bartender became concerned about Lena, 
as it was cold out, and went outside to check on her. 

When he looked inside the car, he saw Ole's buddy, Sven, 
really going at it with Lena. 

The bartender shook his head and returned to the bar. He 
walked over to Ole and told him that he thought it might be a 
good idea to run out to the car and check on Lena. 

Ole staggered off the barstool, went outside to the car, and 
sure enough, there were Sven and Lena, still going at it. Ole 
walks back into the bar, laughing and laughing. 

The bartender asked him what was so funny. Ole said, "That 
damned Sven! He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to 
their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came 
out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front 
of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two 
dogs goin' at it on a lawn.

One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd 
give anything to do it to my wife like that."

The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her 
three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next 
morning. The single one asks the other: "Well, did you get to 
do it to your wife doggie style?" 

The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis." 

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"

The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on 
the lawn."

   It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young 
nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels 
just the way the old nun had instructed. 

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. 
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her 
to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the 
Saturday nightbath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the 
old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to 
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand 
down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key 
to Heaven." 

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key 
to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened 
to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. 
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to 
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would 
soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good 
being saved." 

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was 
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

The boss called one of his employees into the office.  "Rob," he 
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off 
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales 
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district 
manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, 
you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to 
retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you 
say to that?" 

"Thanks," said the employee. 

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?" 

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."